EP-11 This is how to handle really critical mistakes with your loved one

This is how to handle really critical mistakes with your loved one

  • Couples Counseling
  • Church vs not churched
  • Who’s fault is it?
  • What does humble pie taste like?
  • Matthew 6:20-21
  • Sanguine vs Melancholy
  • How to define love?
  • Divorce

(Download this episode here) Subscribe here for free updates!

 

 

Transcript:

Arguments with your spouse, relationships, friends, you just can’t get over it. What are you going to do? Let’s answer that next on Finally Alive Radio.  

Gary Aris: Hello friends and welcome back to Finally Alive Radio. I’m your host, Gary Aris. Thank you for your prayers. I’ve gotten some responses, uh, emails, uh, about my backache, so thank you guys. For those who prayed, I actually feel a lot better. I think I’m about 85 percent mobility now, so thank you for that though. That backache last awhile while there almost a week. So I’m pretty good with backaches. I don’t get them that often, but, but if you do, hey, you’re in my prayers too. I’ll be praying for you too. Of course. By the way, I’m your host Gary Aris, so your very own Christian counsellor and if you didn’t know by now, I do couples counselling too. So I wanted to talk about that and share with you some different things that I see and I’ve dealt with here. Maybe some stuff in my own marriage. Uh, things that I’ve been able to help with. What I’ve seen is, most cases in couples counselling are solvable. And my stance with any problem in life is no matter what the problem is, there’s always an answer. The issue is going to be whether you’re willing, you and I are willing to accept the answer and that’s what this all comes down to is, are we willing to accept the answer?  

And that’s what we’ll see even in couples counselling is we can find the answer. But are you willing to accept the answer? And let’s be honest, that’s easier said than done. So be it. So the typical couple comes in, of course distress, probably talking about divorce. The argument goes back and forth, well I do this and they don’t X, Y, Z, and when I say this, but yeah, you did this. I did that because you said that. Well, I said that because you did this and you’re a, well, if you weren’t such a fill in the blank, then I wouldn’t have to do fill in the blank. And the merry-go-round goes round and round and some of it can go really, really bad. I mean, there are times when, when the couple can really take a good job at one another that is pretty painful. So it’s things to be aware of and we have to admit, I mean, it, it wears you out, it really does.  

After arguing, arguing, arguing, you’re so worn out that you just don’t care anymore. You can come to that point. And that makes total sense. It’s painful. It’s hard. And sure, a lot of the self-help books will say, you know, be nice to one another. Uh, respond nicely. That’s all good stuff. That’s all good stuff. Uh, personally I think that that’s a little bit more on the shallower end. Still good stuff. I would still do, definitely use it, but more on the shallow end, but I will tell you what I see behind closed doors over here. So number one best scenarios that I’ve seen, and I’ve said this before, are scenarios where the couple are practicing Catholics, practicing Christians and not just Christian, by name, that’s why I said practicing Christian, not just believing in God and not just believing in Jesus. Also being insured, something about being in church, having the fellowship, having people around you, being amongst other people who, who think similar to you and have similar beliefs.  

Something about that and also obviously the most important thing, the spirit of God, um, that you’re, you’re doing your best to follow his path obviously can only help. So I would tell people that’s, that’s the primary thing. Do your best to be a good follower, a good disciple of Christ, which means you have to be a good disciple of your pastor. You have to be able to follow your pastor. Yes, sometimes through his own folly, uh, he’s gonna have his moments, he’s gonna have his days. There’s going to be things that you’re going to disagree with. That’s normal. That’s totally normal. There isn’t a single person that, that agrees with another person a 100%. But if you can come to an agreement with most things in while they preach, then you’re good. You’re OK. So that would be the number one thing. 

The second thing that’s going to help is going to be you and your issues. Notice it’s no longer about the couple. It’s about you. Typically, the issue isn’t. And this usually shakes people up when I’d tell them this in the, in the session, I tell them it’s not the couple, it’s not the relationship per say that has the issue. It’s you who has an issue in life. Whatever is going on in your life, it’s you who has an issue which spills over into the relationship with your spouse, with your, with your loved one. Just about every time it’s that. So even though people come in for couples counselling, really we’re doing more. We’re doing a lot of individual counselling which spills over into couple’s counselling, so that said, let’s talk about you a little bit because I can see how this can sound very confusing because of course what you’re probably thinking is, well, my spouse is the one who doesn’t get it, and my spouse is the one who can’t comprehend what I’m trying to tell them. You’re there. The one with a problem that is issue number one right there is that it’s easier to blame the other person. It’s the easiest thing. I can point fingers all day long, all day long, but the real issue is going to be, can you find or are you willing to find your own faults? We all have faults. Everybody does. If you think you don’t have any faults, you’re really going to need to go to the Lord about that.  

Nobody is a hundred percent innocent ever, ever, ever, ever. Let’s see, this is why being a Christian is going to be so important because almost rule number one after salvation, after believing in Jesus is you need to be humble. Humbleness, means you’re going to need to be willing to admit your faults. Humbleness means you need to be willing to say, yeah, I have my own problems, I have my own issues. I’m willing to admit that, that’s a part of what humbleness is. Can you do that? It’s very difficult to do. I don’t think everyone can do it.  

In Matthew 6: 19 and 20, Jesus is talking about laying up treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy and thieves can break in and steal, but verse 28 says, but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven where neither moth nor rust, rust destroys. Now what does that have to do with this? And we’re taking the principle of this and applying it to marriage here because verse 21 says, for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. So the question is, what is your treasurer? What do you love? What do you adore in life? If it’s money, then you’re going to. You’re going to worship money. Is that your spouse? It could be. That’s good.  Let’s go through the quick order of that. Let’s actually define love first and there’s many ways to define love, even in counselling with temperaments, temporary counsellor, so I will break down different languages of love, if you will, and I’ll break it down in two ways. A very simple one is serving. That’s the, that’s the main one, and the other one is going to be showing it with affection, hugging, touching, kissing. I love you’s. Uh, for example, the hugging, touching, kissing I love you’s. Temperament is going to be the sanguine temperament. That’s the technical name of it. The temperament that appreciates service or will serve for their loved ones is typically the melancholy, introvert type of temperaments. But that said, how do we define love? Now, the hugging, touching, kissing I love you’s is awesome by the way. Nothing wrong with that, but let’s, let’s bring Christ into this. How did Jesus show love to people? Really think about this one. What did he do? How much hugging, touching, kissing? I love you’s. Did he do? Not much. A little bit. Maybe. I’m sure he did, but it’s not really talked about. What did he do? He did miracles. He preached. He taught them things and the greatest thing that Christ did was voluntarily go up on that cross to be crucified, and then of course, you know the third day he rose again.  

That was the ultimate act of love. In John 15, 12 and 13. Jesus says, this is my commandment that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one laid down his life for his friends. That is the greatest act of love, to lay down your life for your loved one, and let’s simplify that. It really comes down to sacrifice. Are you willing to sacrifice yourself even to the to the degree that Jesus talks about to lay down your life and let’s go from the shallow to the deepest? The shallow is laying down your wants. Sometimes what you want is nice. It’s great, but not quite expedient. It doesn’t do anything. It doesn’t profit anything. So can you lay down your wants. Once in a while, you might have to lay down your needs here and I’ll give you a good one with the whole, you know, submission of wives, wives submitting to their husbands according to what the word says. Maybe the wife knows that the husband investing in product x is going to be a really bad idea. Some cases it’s not a giant investment, once in a while for the sake of learning because you’ll have to lay down what you know is going to be right now. This isn’t for every case every time, all the time, but you may have to lay this down once in a while for the sake of them learning. Look, Jesus did that. Jesus didn’t break down every little thing that they were doing wrong. He’d break down the major things, but allow the smaller things for life to teach you and sometimes unfortunately we have to do that even as parents, even as parents, there are some things that you have to allow your kids to go through an experience. Of course, nothing, nothing wild and dangerous, but my saying is, look, you have to allow your kids to skin their knee a little bit.  

There’s only so many times me as a parent can say, hey, stop doing that. Don’t do that. You’re going to hurt yourself sometimes. Unfortunately, they have to skin their knee just a little bit to really understand because life, life unfortunately ends up being a better teacher. Sometimes as a parent, because the parent has wisdom, the child doesn’t and the child needs to experience what the parent has already learned. Now, on a deeper level, one laying down their life for their loved one, it may go down to, hey, are you willing to give up a kidney? Many, many people have. Are you willing to give up your heart? If you had to, would you take a bullet for your loved one? You know these, you know they’re deeper, but less likely can happen. Of course it can happen, but these are. These are the things that are a lot less likely to happen, but that’s how we define love.  

Sacrifice. Being committed to that loved one of yours. There is no other way. Again, hugging, touching, kissing, I love you’s are awesome. Awesome, awesome. They’re great. Nothing wrong with that, but that’s not what Jesus did, so we’re just taking examples from Christ. If we want to define love, that’s a great way to do it. We can look at it from God’s perspective. God’s sending his own son to be a sacrifice for your sins and my sins. That definitely shows commitment to his creation. That’s a different side. I don’t know if any of us can do something like that. Sacrificing their own son. That’s a big step there, but look, let’s. Let’s make this really clear. I’m not against hugging, touching, kissing. I love you’s. Now. I’ll get nice and personal for you. I’d love the hugging, touching, kissing kind of person, just the way God made me.  

That’s just a. But my gift is service. I like to serve and help that way. Where my wife is, she’s the opposite. She loves hugging, touching kids, and she’s the sanguine, so thank God for her, but with a sanguine, I’ll tell you how to fix it. It, it’s pretty simple. So she can have a bad day. No, she’s just got the kids. She’s, you know, and they can be a handful. Of course everyone has their days, right? And she’s got a lot of stuff going on. Maybe some housework meant maybe some other stuff going on and she’s stressed out at the end of the day and she just can’t take anymore. And here I come to rescue her with hugging, touching, kissing. I love you’s and it works. It works, every time. All I have to tell her is, you know, sweetheart, I love you so much and give her a hug and the kiss and just squeeze her and love her.  

And that’s kind of her language. Squeeze in love, not my language. To me, it doesn’t make sense to me. How can you fix a problem with hugging, touching, and kissing? But again, I’m not sanguine when I melancholy and this, this is a guy thing, I think to, uh, which we as guys can struggle with, we as guys would like to fix the problem. Hey, the garage door isn’t working. Guess what we do? We go into man mode, into fix mode and let me fix the garage. Right? Or if she was to say, you know, I’m really having a tough day here. We go into man mode again. OK, well, what’s going on? What’s the problem? How do we fix it? Believe it or not. It’s funny, sometimes women just need to be heard. It’s the funniest thing to me, it doesn’t make sense, but all I can do is I’ll tell you what I’ve understood with, with women sometimes just got to listen and do nothing, is not the greatest. You don’t have to do a thing, just listen.  So again, I’ll give you a personal story to tell you. I don’t want to throw away the hugging, touching, kissing. I love you. That’s, that’s, that’s part of intimacy. So by all means, don’t throw it away. But I think the more important part is going to be the commitment, just like it says here in verse 13, greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. Can you be that committed? It’s that important, which means if I’m going to be committed to you, that means you’re going to be committed to me. So as I’m sacrificing my wants and my needs, you’re going to sacrifice your wants and your needs sometimes too. So the way this works, easier said than done, but that’s the way this works. Are you willing to do that? Now, let me throw a curve ball here. What if you feel like you’re doing all the sacrificing and they’re not? What do you do in that case? Typical counsellor answers for you. It depends. It depends on what they’re not willing to sacrifice. Is it petty things? You know, if you’re going through some tough financial times, your wife getting her nails done may not be the wisest idea, but in some cases they can still get their nails done. I’ll give you an example. Maybe she says, you know, I have to get my nails. I cannot sacrifice that. It’s that important to me, but maybe I won’t go and get my hair done. Something simple, so it’s a trade-off so okay, you won’t get your hair done, or I’ll get my nails done instead of every week.  

I don’t even know how that works. Ladies, you’ll, you’ll, you’re the experts here, but let’s say this woman gets her nails done every week. Maybe she says, I’ll do it every two weeks or once a month. I don’t even know if that’s a good answer, but what if she’s willing to do that? Maybe she won’t sacrifice at a 100%, but find a middle ground. That’s important in relationships. Can you find a middle ground? It’s not going to be all the way that I want it, but it’s also not going to be all the way that you want it. So these are the important things to consider, so with the commitment also comes understanding. Are you willing to be understanding even the things you can understand? I know that sounds. That sounds weird. I’ll give you an example. These are common examples, common things that people go through. One spouse grew up in a very neat house. The other spouse grew up with the messy house. Bring those two together. Guess what happens? Now we have a clash. One spouse wants everything clean, spic and span. The other one couldn’t care less, and now the one who’s the neater one now, is now going to have issues with the one who isn’t so neat and they can’t quite understand that. The neat one is saying, how can you not understand? Why would you want your house to be dirty? The other one’s saying, who cares? Everything’s going to be fine. I can find my clothes. You see, so now we have this disagreement. It’s going to happen. It’s life. Can they come to a middle ground? Is there some way to resolve that? And there could be many ways to deal with that. It could be look Okay, the person who was neater does all the, all the cleaning, but the person who was messy maybe does other things maybe does the fixing, maybe does the taking out the trash or whatever else, you know, whatever else. Middle Ground works for you. And here’s another important thing. Something that works in my house may not work in your house and that’s Okay. Alright, so it’s things that worked perfectly in my house may not work at all in your house. All right? So and that’s fine. That’s the uniqueness of marriage is that it can work in a lot of different ways. They don’t always have to be the same thing in every house, so don’t worry about that all because your friends may be doing it this way, it works for them and it doesn’t work for you.  

 

Don’t let that freak you out. It’s fine. You have to find your own unique groove. That’s what I call it. Finding your own groove and use that and guess what? It may not work for your neighbour. So it is what it is. Now let’s talk about some more personal things. I think this usually tends to be the more important thing. Most couples don’t come in because of an issue that they’re having today. Even though it feels like that, it tends to be more so that there is something that’s haunting them or following them from their past and it’s now spilling over into the relationship. Some simple examples I can think of from sessions would be trust issues. The couple comes in and one of them say, I don’t understand why they don’t trust me. I haven’t done anything bad. There’s no proof that I’ve done anything bad.  

Then why wouldn’t you trust them and the other person may just keep giving different reasons and reasons, but really just excuses and once in a while you’ll dig some, you’ll dig a little bit and you’ll find out, oh, wait a minute. Maybe your dad wasn’t trustworthy. Maybe your mom wasn’t trustworthy. Maybe they had a bad relationship. Hence trust issues. Maybe you had a lot of friends who always stabbed here in the back. Trust issues. You see, these are the things that need to be dealt with. It doesn’t make you bad if that’s what you’re going through or if your spouse or loved one is going through, but it is things to be aware of, and this is where a couple’s counsellor can be really helpful to dig through these things and resolve those things, but many times it’s that. I’ll give you another example here. A child grows up very spoiled. They were the first boy in the family and grandma and mom and the whole family were just babying them and doing everything for them and that this child has never lifted a finger, common issue, common issue. Now put that person into a relationship where they have to share things. Guess what’s going to happen? A lot of issues, right? So these things need to be resolved. So do you see how many things may have stemmed from your youth, from your past, from your childhood, which flows into your relationship now?  

These are things to be aware of and watch out for, which goes right back to what we were talking about with commitment and sacrifice and real quick the order. What is the order of love? Some people define it as, oh, I got to love my family, then God church. No, no, no. It has to be God first. The way you lay this part down is going to define how your life is going to go. Think of it like a building. You need a good strong foundation that we have a good strong foundation. Then you can build a good strong property, good, strong home on that. What is your foundation? This is the key question here. What will you love more than anything else? It has to be God. It has to hands down. This is going to be your foundation for and remember they asked Jesus, what is the greatest commandment?  

He says, love your God with all that you’ve got in a nutshell, everything that makes you, you. You love God with that. That’s the greatest commandment, is to love God, and then the second one is to love one another. So you see how it all comes back to love, but we’re defining love as being a hundred percent committed and willing to sacrifice of yourself. Will you do it? Can you do it? The foundation must be God, which means you have to be committed in church it. I’ll even say this, you can’t just go and leave. No. You have to go get involved somehow. Some way it doesn’t matter in what I mean. It could be from helping clean the bathrooms, to being an assured, being a deacon, helping people, helping the poor, helping in ministry. The key thing though in church is going to be preaching the Gospel.  

There’s nothing else that’s going to be more important than that, but how can you fit in? How can you be a part of very important, and I know, I know people say, you know, Oh, a church isn’t for me, I’ve tried it before. I’ve done it before. It’s not just, it’s not for me, but that’s just an excuse. That’s at the end of the day that just an excuse. You’ve got to find a place that’s going to be right for you. That’s the key to all this. Find the place that is right for you. Guess I’ll give you my personal order here. The personal order is number one. You’ve got a love God number one. The second thing is you love family. Again, this is my personal order, OK? First God. Second, you love your family, and third will be everything else from country to work to everything else, without the first two of the rest of it doesn’t even matter. And why I say that is I’m a big USA fan, so I’m. I’m big on country but the state of the country doesn’t matter if the state of the home is ruined. Now there’s a lot of broken homes out there. Maybe you came out of one, and that’s heart-breaking that breaks my heart. Just even talking about that, but get your house in order.  

We can sit here and scream and yell, I love my country. Who Cares? If you love your country, if your house is not an order, get your house in order and that’s God’s order and put it in God’s order and if enough of us do that, watch what will happen to the country. The country will heal. The country will grow, the country will prosper as it has in the past, so there’s my simple order of love. Is first you love God with all, with everything you’ve got. Second, you love your family. Third, everything else, and that’s from everybody else to my country, which is part of the part of everybody else. Work whatever else, anything else that you’re doing, but God must come first. That’s just the way it works. Whether that’s your ministry, it has to come first. I have heard pastors say, oh, I put, I put my family first, and then God. No, that doesn’t work. That doesn’t make them a bad pastor, but that’s a horrible way to do it. You’re making the finite people, your family foundation and then you’re putting God on top of that. How does that work? Doesn’t work. You can’t put finite before the infinite. In my mind, that just doesn’t make any sense. Back to dealing with personal issues. I think that’s the important thing. You really need to go to the Lord about that. Go to your pastor to go to a counsellor and get that figured out. The better you can figure yourself out, the better spouse you can be.  

Look, I’ve had anger issues. I’ve had anxiety issues. I’ve had, I’ve been depressed in the past. I had to come to a place to figure that out and I had help. I had colleagues who helped me greatly. Uh, you know, pastor, who helped me greatly, the others who have helped me greatly, but these things need to be figured out and dig deep. Really dig deep. The things that scare you the most or the things you don’t want to talk about the most are probably the things you need to be talking about. Painful, isn’t it? Just to think about that. That’s really painful, so be aware of that. Deal with yourself, deal with your issues and the chances of the relationship getting better, gets much higher. But what if you’re doing everything you can? Maybe you’re going to church, maybe you’re doing all that you can, but your spouse isn’t.  

And let’s make this even more challenging. Let’s say your spouse is abusive, abusive. We’re going to say physical and/or emotional, which usually goes hand in hand, or let’s say they have addiction issues. It’s very possible. What do you do? Do I stay committed and sacrifice for them? Well, no. Let’s define a little bit better, what love is here when we love God being committed to God, we’re a 100 % committed. We do not quit on that versus being committed to somebody else. We cannot be as committed to people as we are to God. Let me explain this. God’s perfect, obviously God’s perfect, so there’s no reason for you not to commit to him 100 %. God can literally do no wrong, even if it looks like he did something wrong, you missed the point. You are not seeing the entire picture, so god is not the issue. You be as committed as you can be to God. When it comes to people, a spouse, a loved one who’s being abusive. My rule, let’s go with physical abuse. My rule is at minimum, you separate yourself. At minimum, I hate to even talk about this, but because it’s a reality of life. We need to talk about it, but if there’s physical abuse, you leave. No questions asked, you leave. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to be painful. You don’t want to do it maybe, but you have to go. You don’t want to be that person who doesn’t leave, that co-dependent person who will not leave. Do not do that to yourself. At minimum, you must leave that place later. You can talk to your spouse, good, but if that person is unwilling to listen and/or turn. In fact, that’s the only situation I can see an in counselling sessions that cannot be figured out.  

One of them is stuck on what they believe, your own will. That’s the only thing that I cannot give you an answer for your will, and this is when I lay down ground rules. Usually the ground rule is this. The only way it won’t work is if you’re not willing. You’ve got the will, if you can bring the will. I’ll give you all the techniques. I’ll give you all of that. I’ll give you all the Bible verses I can do that, but you have to bring your a-game. You have to want change and not just change for the other person would change for yourself and there are cases where one party is not willing to change. They’re not willing to see it any differently. They’re not willing to change their mind. Everyone else is wrong. They’re always right. Guess what, buddy? I can’t help you. I will dismiss that person and when they’re ready to deal with it, then they can come back and we can deal with it. That said, you now have to realize what you have to do. If this person is physically abusive and usually that comes with drinking and drugs or something of that sort. Not Always, but many times you will have to lay down your own healthy ground rules. This is what they call boundaries. You’ll have to lay down some healthy boundaries. This is still love. This is all within the realms of healthy love. Being committed goes both ways. If the commitment is not being done both ways than it cannot be true love in the relationship, that doesn’t mean that the other party doesn’t love you more than likely they’re just going through their own traumatic issues and they don’t know how to deal with it.  

That’s the case most of the time and that is usually the case for failed relationships is either immaturity and or trauma is what it comes down to. The immaturity is also education that may they may not know how to deal with relationships, whether it was, whether it was because they’re too young or whether they didn’t have a good model at home and that happens, but you will have to lay down unhealthy boundaries. If this person is being physically abusive, we’ll even throw in emotionally abusive. That’s a little bit more a technical because it depends. Every case is different. How much, how often? All the time. Some of the time. All of these will depend on how you deal with the emotional abuse, but even with emotional abuse, the rule still applies. You at least at minimum, separate yourself, but there has to be a time when you guys can both sit down and talk about these things and say, look, this, this stuff is hurting me.  

Can we work through this? Whether it’s together, whether it’s you doing it, whether it’s me doing it, whether it’s us doing it, we’ve got to figure this out. And in some cases it takes a long time. You know, drug abuse, sometimes it’s not easy to get over overnight. Pass trauma, molestation, if I may throw in there, is not easy to get over. You can’t just go once or twice to a counselling session and then expect to just to all disappear. It’s a process that it’s that whole a Shrek thing, the onion, um, uh, there’s layers, right? It is, it, it’s actually true. It’s very, very true. There’s layers, there’s layers to you, there’s layers to us in life. There’s layers to us. Now someone might be asking, well, how can that be love? How can that be showing commitment if I’m leaving? Remember, commitment works both ways.  

You being constantly abused and you staying doesn’t mean you’re showing them love. What true love is willing true love is willing to say, I love you so much. I’ll leave you because not only are you hurting me, you’re hurting yourself, so consider these things. This is again, I know it’s easier for me to say this than to do this. It’s easier said than done. I know that, but what’s right is right. I’m not a fan of divorce. I don’t like divorce. I hate divorce, but it’s a reality of life is and many people don’t know this. Did you guys know that Moses? Moses actually had a divorce.  

He says he’s saddles her on the donkey and off, He sends his wife. So Moses got a divorce. God himself says, I’m divorcing Israel in the Old Testament, he says, he says that, he says, I’m giving you the decree of divorce. God, God, God is a divorcee. How about that? But why does he do that? Because he’s done with them not listening to him. He’s done that. That ends up being a type of emotional abuse who to fund God. God’s a divorce. So if you’re divorced, hey, you’re not alone. God himself as a divorce. Say now in God’s case, he wants his wife back, Israel, and that’s where you read revelation. That’s where he gets his wife back. In God’s case, he’s able to cure the issue. He has God a. unfortunately for us, it’s not always like that. But as for divorce, I don’t like it. I hate it. I tell people, do everything you can humanly do to try to help not having a divorce but there does come a time where you say, okay, enough is enough and I can’t do it anymore. So before you jump into divorce, by all means, seek help. Talk to your pastor, get counselling, and, and do it a couple times. Do it a few times, take some time with it. In those cases, where the spouse just isn’t willing to do any of it. Let’s go to an extreme, let’s just say that they’re verbally, physically abusive or they’re using drugs. It’s all abuse and you were willing to go get and they’re not willing to get counsel. You’re willing to go to your pastor. They’re not willing to go with their pastor, you’re willing to do anything. that they’re willing to do and they don’t act on anything so that. It just sounds like everything that you’re trying is, it’s, it’s almost like a dead end or if you can think of anything else, because here’s what I tell people when they’re talking divorce in counselling sessions, I tell them, look, pretend like you’re divorced right now. Let’s just say right now you have the papers in your hand that says you’re officially divorced.  

What would you regret? Usually that’s the issue. They regret that, oh, well, if I would’ve done this, then maybe that would have saved the marriage. So picture yourself divorced. What would that thought be? Know I wish. I wish I would’ve gotten counselling then. Then go and get counselling. By all means. I wish I gave him one more chance. OK. If I give him one more chance, if that’s what? That’s what’s necessary here, whatever it is, whatever you feel like that regret. What do it do as much of it as you can because sometimes whatever you thought of might have done it great, because here’s the thing, if you’re going to go down that road, it’s an ugly road. It’s a very ugly road. It might even get uglier on that side. You know, we sometimes think the grass is greener, but it really isn’t. So do everything humanly possible so that you have very little to no regret before you were to divorce. Again, I hate divorce, but unfortunately, it’s a reality of life. If someone asked me and said, hey, you know, well, should I get divorced? I would say, did you try everything humanly possible? Well, number one, are you being abused? If the answer is yes, I would say at least separate. Number two, you do your best to try to salvage that marriage. Again, that is what commitment is. That’s what sacrifice is. It hurts me, but I want to fix this. If you’ve done everything humanly possible, you’ve gotten counsel from, from Pastor, from your counsellor, from whoever else, books, read all the books, OK? If you still can get the answer, if it still doesn’t work, if they still don’t change, well then that’s probably when we start to consider the” D” word again. I don’t like it. I’m not for it. I’m not saying I like it, but it is a reality of life.  

Me as a Christian, I despise divorce, but it’s in the Bible. It’s there. Now. I’m not saying it’s good, but. But that’s what happens, being an imperfect human being, living in an imperfect world, imperfect things happen, but we’re defining love as being a hundred percent committed and willing to sacrifice of yourself. Will you do it? Can you do it well? I hope the show helpful. I hope you got something out of it was some sort of blessing for you and if it was, please let me know. I want to. I want to hear your voice. I want to hear what your thinking. Go to finally live radio.com and let me know what you’re thinking. You’ve contacted me, their email, me and I want to know your thoughts. I want to know more, even questions. If you have questions, I’ll answer it. Come join me on Finally Alive Radio.com. I’ll see you there. God bless you.  

 

What did you think of the show? Leave a reply below!